Jealousy.

Jealousy is called the green monster...and a monster, it is. It's been a problem of mine, possibly tied in with trust. I don't know why, or where it come from, or if it's even rational to think certain things that I do. All I know, is that it can ruin a relationship. And it did. And only now can I see how much it really effects things...and hope to advocate for how detrimental it can be to a relationship.

After being in a relationship for 4 years, I lost it all last night. Every bit of it. All communication, gone. Because of jealousy. Because I can't handle my own emotions and my feelings, and can't justify where they even come from. Maybe seeing a disgusting history of affairs in my family makes me self-conscious about the reality it could be happening to me. Maybe it's the little things he did that seemed like a big deal to me, but maybe weren't. Whatever it was, it's over. And at probably the worst time.

I'm done school today for the holidays. At 10 o'clock I'll be handing in all my final papers, and then I'm free till January 4th. I've been looking forward to this for weeks and weeks, and now that it's here... I don't want it. I want to be busy with school to take my mind off this. At least friends will be around, and Tori is coming home. But for now... my head is a mess. My heart is in pieces. And my eyes are stinging.

Blah. Happy holidays. Bah-humbug.